So.....

It's been almost a year and I think no one looks a this. Is anyone out there?

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I think I might be back

I think I need to blog more to talk out some of my "learnings" from school and ministry. I'm in overload mode and I need an outlet. I have found that I have been having verbal diarrhea and really the only thing I need to do is express myself a bit more, without annoying the crap out of every one else around me. So I will try to write in here more than once every two years to give relief to friends and co-workers. oops... So this is my effort to start writing. See you later.

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As I sit and think...this could be aweful

Well I'm here in the intern office waiting patiently and I realized that I totally lied on my last blog about writing in it again the next day. It has been a little while. So my apologies for the misleading information given in my former blog. Mostly I'm sorry that you had to wait to read the next masterpiece that is sure to ensue from this point forward. So back to the actual blogging.(That sounds painful) I am sitting here and thinking about my week and the things that are running through my mind are beyond my grasp of understanding. Let me explain...

This last weekend I went to winter camp with the High School group to relive the glory days. By glory days, I mean finding my self doubt and fear of women. I was up there and the camp speaker was absolutely amazing. His name is Darrin McWaters. He was phenomenal. He spoke on a multitude of ideas but this one has stuck in my mind. If we do this Christian faith for anything other the Glory of God then we will fail and fall away. I had to think about this for a minute because I thought, well ok, but doing student ministry to see life change is part of glorifying God so that is one in the same. So I was thinking that this was just semantics. But then he brought up the promise of Heaven. Would we follow Christ even if the promise of heaven was off the table? (He said that this would never happen, and it's completely hypothetical) Well wanting to go to heaven isn't a bad thing either so then I felt challenged. Was I there for the glory of God or was I there for the result of the Glorification of God. Here is how I can best explain this in my mind, not sure if it is correct but it makes sense in my head.

I am not a big fan of watching basketball. It just doesn't thrill me. But I do like to know the stats and the records. I like all the nerdy things about the game rather the actual game. If the game means something or I am watching it with some one who really cares then i can get into it, but not on my own time. At any rate. The game isn't my concern it is the benefits of the game that make me interested. Here are where the parallels rest. The glory of God is the game itself, it isn't the stat. The stats would be the life change, or the results of what God does in people. If we only serve to see results, what happens when those results don't happen? What happens when the stats stop being interest? Do we stop watching the game? When it comes to basketball I do. I will only watch if it means something to me. The same is in ministry, if we don't see the results we want people drop out. That's why there is so much turn over in high school staff members. The burn out happens when we take our focus off the game because the stats don't match our expectations. If we are only there to see life change and we don't get to see that, then we are more likely to get frustrated and fall off.

On the other side of it, I love baseball. I love the dodgers. Here is my best explanation of what it should look like in our faith. I will watch a dodgers game from the first inning till the last. It doesn't matter if they win or lose. The stats don't sway me from watching the game. Though I would love to see monster stats our of Penny and to see Joe Torre bring home the big prize, I am no less a fan if they win or lose. Which is fortunate because they haven't won since 1988. Same is true with ministry and the Christian faith. Do we want to see results? You bet. But my faith shouldn't be dependent on anything, I mean anything other my desire to bring God glory.

Now I heard this and I resonate with it but there wasn't the connection of, is this how I live? Then when we got home from camp the Lord really tried to show me what is in my heart. We had a young man who excepted Christ up at camp. It was an awesome experience. He claimed to be an Atheist. We prayer hard for him and did whatever we could to be used by God in this guy's life. The day after we got home he told people at school that he didn't really except, that it was just an emotional experience and he responded in kind. I was crushed by this. My demeanor was affected and my thoughts were swirling and I had the thought of, "I can't do this any more, it's too hard" Then it hit me. I'm not doing this for the Glory of God but for the results that it brings. The results aren't bad, but if I don't get the anticipated results, then I shut down.

I hope this hasn't been too boring, so I will finish up right here. I have to switch my mind set to Glorify God rather than to serve with expectation. It needs to be a labor prompted by love, not a labor prompted by results. My love for Jesus needs to guide my actions, not the results. Thanks for reading, sorry if I bore you, but this was more for me than it was for you.

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I am A Blessed Man..Boy...Child...Fetus

It has been a really long time since I wrote last. Sorry to keep you all in a state of suspense. I know you hang on to my every life affirming word. I promise this one won't let you down.

So here is an update on what is going on in my life. I am now 24 yrs old and have the same amount of schooling as a freshman in college. Though I did complete a trade school program during this time and worked a lot. I didn't just sit and fail classes for 6 yrs. I did that one and a half years. I am currently going back to school and doing well. Actually better than I did in high school which is good because I barely graduated. Hurray for low California standards. I am working at Cypress Church as the Worship arts intern which has me doing web, media, music, and the occasional tattoo. (That's not true, I have no abilities in the tattoo department; sorry for misleading you) And I am dating this incredibly way too hot and cool chick. She likes it when I call her chick...

Her name is Johanna and I am completely in love with this woman of God. She is incredible. She is a fifth grade teacher and loves the Lord with all her heart. We started talking in July, Dating in September and I now in January I know I am going to marry this woman. I always thought that people who move this fast are stupid. But God has shown us both what He has for us. We both agree that God is in control of this relationship and is guiding us to get married sooner rather than later.

My family approves all the way across the board and same with her family. I duped them some how. I won't ask questions, I'll just ride this thing out as long as she lets me. Now let me describe to you our relationship. She lives in Auburn California which 400 miles away from Cypress. God knew what He was doing when He paired us up. Though it is hard and difficult, it has forced us to communicate better than I have ever experienced, while keeping us pure in the mean time. Which is good because she is hot. Tony Rodriguez referred to her as being Gorgeous and I have to agree. She is in love with Jesus and she has a true heart of service. She serves me on a continual basis and it blesses my ministry as well as myself. I still don't know what she sees in me, but again: Don't ask questions.

The best thing is that she is a true answer to prayer. There was a while where I thought I wouldn't find some one that would challenge me in my relationship with God and I would have to drag some one with me in that area. But she does it all the time. We are going through Colosians together and I am so excited to see what comes from this. Now how we met.

We have a new Children's pastor at Cypress named Devonna Drey. She is amazing and my sister Jenifer works with her. Anyways, Johanna use to be Devo's (as we call her) intern when Devo worked at cross roads. Then Devo felt God's call to work at a school in Hawaii, and it so happened that Johanna got accepted as a third grade teacher to that school. Completely separate events. They became close friends at that point. When Devo came to Cypress she did VBS and Johanna, having moved back to state side a year earlier, came helped Devo prepare. Devo was trying to set us up from the get go, and it worked. Johanna then went to Hume Lake with the church's High School group as a leader. Our love blossomed from there. We started dating on September 15th and I have been blessed beyond what I could think possible. I truely am blessed to be apart of her life and vise versa.

I feel like a little kid again and have a new sense of rejuvenation in life. God has used her to bless me beyond what I could consider deserved. I am not worthy and but I will be thankful and am thankful.

Well this has been long enough. I'll try to write more tomorrow.

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Seeing What God Sees

This comes from a broken heart that I share this with you. A good friend of my family's past away on Friday. I won't share his name but he committed suicide and it has left my family in a number of mental states. I for one am heart broken that he felt so depressed that he felt there was nothing to live for. It breaks my heart to know that he was in that kind of pain. There are many ways to respond to this type of situation. Some get angry at the lost soul, others feel guilt, and while others may just feel sad. I fall into the latter as I stated before. The reason I share this is because I got a glimpse of what God sees when people are in pain. I also got a glimpse of how Satan tries to attack you in times of hardship...

People regularly refer to suicide as a very selfish act. Yes it is, kind of. I think this response comes from how we feel it impacted us. If we feel angry then we blame them for making us feel that way. We say that they are the bad guy for this. While this may be true of the circumstance it isn't necessarily the right response. For as we are saying that they are being selfish for taking their own life, we are making their death all about us. I'm not saying that you aren't aloud to have those feelings, cause they are valid, but I am saying that we can't stay in that state and be in the correct response. When we only think about how their death effected us, we fail to see what the cause was. It is easy to get mad. It's hard to see how they felt. That's what God does. If we agree that God is a loving father who wants nothing but the best for His children, then we have to agree that he feels for us on the emotional level. Jesus experienced dispare, loneliness, anger, temptation, and all shorts of levels of emotion. We can look at the Jesus during his temptations from Satan. He was tempted to jump off a building. Of course in context it was to show his majesty and holy annointed for all to see, but the reality is that Satan, in a way, tried to get Christ to end His life. Jesus knows what that feels like. He experienced all sorts of troubles through life. He was out casted by full cities, he had his "friends" turn on him crying out for his death. Jesus knows, God knows. We as Christians need to be understanding of what people are going through. Is suicide a sin? yes, did Christ die for all sins? Yes. This idea that Christ only died for the sins you had committed and not for the ones you will commit is unbiblical. So if God can forgive t, what gives us the right to hold it against them?

Another response is guilt. This provides us with the most profound look into the relationship that the two people had. It seems that the closer you are to the person the more you blame yourself for their death. While God may be directing you toward loving the lonely more, he doesn't hold you accountable for the actions that are independent of your own. Meaning, stop thinking that you are so awesome that you had the power to stop it. Not that it's a pride thing, more that it is an issue of focus. Again it seems that Satan has us turn it onto oursleves to see how we failed. The reality is that, there is a spiritual battle that claims lives everyday. It claims both mental lives and physical lives. Please understand that I am not claiming that his is a bad response. I am just warning against the possible unhealthy out comes. Guilt isn't a tool of God, Christ, or the Holy Spirit. It is a tool of the devil. Some of you may think that is a little extreme but hear me out. God doesn't want to convict us so heavily that we become useless to Him. That would be bad strategy. You want our troops to have a good moral while working out the kinks. The Spirit convicts to show us where we are falling short of God's calling. Not to show us that we suck. The "we suck" comes straight from Satan. It is a battle for your mind and emotions are the way that Satan tries to get us down. If you look at many of your decisions it usually stems from the basis of emotion. The bible directly tells us that the heart is deceitful. Thus saying that we can't trust what we feel because it changes so often. We have to be smart about it. Yes you may have seen signs that they needed help, no it isn't your fault they went to that extreme. If there is no learning from the experience then it is used by Satan. If you can learn and grow from it, then it is from God. So because you saw that there were signs, it doesn't mean you are responsible for them. It means the next time you see the signs, you go out of your way to make sure that they have an ear. That's what changes it from useless guilt to applicable conviction.

The final response is to feel sad for them. This is probably the most dangerous place and yet the closest to God's heart. I say it is the most dangerous because if you are not careful you can slip into the mentality that it was ok because they were sad. You can skim over the fact tht sin is sin and we have to call it out. Empathy is a great thing. Women feel it more than men, hence lifetime network. Consequently there is litle room for error here. When you just feel sad for the person and feel their depression, you can miss the lessons God is trying to use. I sincerely believe that God uses every major event in our lives to show us how to live. I say major, because spilling milk isn't the time to get philosophical and make life decisions based on how much milk is spilled. Major events that shake you, God wants to use them for His glory. I fall into this state, not because I am all that emotional, but primarily because I fail to see what God is teaching me. I tend to not have life change when God is clearly showing me how. But God is empathetic, God is th Great Councilor. You can ask any councilor you know and they will agree that the most powerful tool in counciling is empathy. Sympathy is a way of looking down on some one while empathy is placing yourself in their shoes and validating their emotions. Some people just need some one to understand where they are and to know that hey are not alone or weird. God empathizes without granting sinful behavior. God loves us, and will always love us.

To sum up, death is always tragic and suicide tends to be the most. Don't let it be about you, but also don't let yourself be held down and made useless because you have been crippled by this event. Learn from it no matter how hard it is, learn from it. We won't be perfect until the day we are standing in His presence. I know our family friend is standing there now. His committment to Christ was real and is real. He fell to temptation in a battle that he lost. This doesn't mean Christ didn't already pay for it. Remember tha. Christ paid for it in His own blood. Willingly, sacrificially, and lovingly.

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Let's Get Loose

The last few blogs have been pretty cognitive, and frankly I need to lighten up so people will still want to read this non-sense. So I was trying to think of a good message for the peeps out there that will be taken to heart. The reality of what needs to be said came to me. If you eat too much fruit, the fruit calls you later and plays slip and slide in your colon. Don't get grossed out yet, it only gets worse. Please read along...

The average person in the US consumes less than two helpings of fruit a day. this means that they may have a banana but that is it. No more. to give you reference, I have been consuming about 3 or 4 servings of fruit a day. you burn the sugars in said fruit a lot faster than the sugars in other processed products. Thus, the so called sugar spikes, that people say you get from eating too much fruit is pointless if you are working out daily. you need the natural sugar to keep your body moving. you need to carbs of bread and such to give your body a balance of nutrition as well as the ability to perform to the highest heights during a workout. With that said , I firmly believe that most of the workout I am getting is from sitting on my porcelain throne and, shall we say, communicating with John in a non conventional way. Conventional in the sense that I am sitting down with no barrier between me and water, but unconventional because you are not suppose to talk out of your behind. I tend to do both quite well.

The other reality is that fruit dehydrates you when you get into that state. The only thing you can do is to drink lots of water and pray. I had a fruit salad for breakfast this morning. It was awesome. It had strawberries, mango, papaya, kiwi, grapes, and cantaloupe. It was amazing... the first time. I enjoy a hardy deification as much as the next guy, but seriously when it comes to fruit, it's like a river runs through me. I hate it because you never really know for sure if you are completely done or not. You are always guessing, never knowing.

I have decided however that the pros out weigh the cons. In this case, I tell myself that the fruit is cleansing me and keeping me from getting backed up. I know that sound silly. It sounds gross, most of all it's graphic. It may be too graphic of a subject matter for you. The reality for me is that I feel better and am looking better because of said deification struggles. This is gross subject matter, but it's true. I even concentrate more in class after I let one out of the box. when you drop off your kids in the pool, your trunk feels empty. So for the good of man kind, my education, and over all pleasure I say let open the flood gates.

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Friendships

I have come to realize that I don't really have a best friend and in turn I have become a mediocre friend at best. I don't really pursue any one for their friendship nor do I try to cultivate a best friend within the relationships that i already have. So here are some thoughts on why I am not a good friend...

Back when i was in Jr. High, I had this friend named Justin Barney. He was my best friend. we did everything together and he was fun. I always at his house and he at mine. We played soccer, skateboarded, goldeneye, and listened to the Beatles. We had a good relationship. We were able to talk about anything. It was cool. Then We changed High Schools and drifted apart and he eventually moved to Missouri. After that i haven't really been close with anyone. There is no one that I would say that I want to hang out with all the time or could tell anything to. I have people who are there for me, but not in that best friend sort of way. I am kind of on my own. I justified that feeling by saying that I am just in a different place than every one else. Not in an arrogant "I'm better than everyone" sort of way, just the I'm not where they are. People seem to have these deep seeded relationships that no one can break into. Where as I don;t have that. I think it's all because of me. I am the only one to blame for it. I tend to be a home body. I keep to myself. It's not like people don't like me, I seem to have friends when I go out and people seem to enjoy my company. It just seems that those relationships only go so deep.

So I, in turn, push this facade of best friendship with whomever I am dating. Not conscientiously, but rather subconsciously. I enter into these relationships with the idea that they are my best friend. When the relationship sizzles out I find that I am by my self because I have pushed them away. I can see it all over the place. So I have realized that I don't treat the people in my life with the respect that they deserve. Sad times for me.

The bible is chalked full of "one another" passages. I have been living my life as I saw fit. Or as I thought God wanted my personal relationship with Him to be. It revolved around my thinking that God is very personal therefore, not concerned with my friendships. He is concerned about both. They will know we are Christians by our love, not by our exclusive relationships with Him. Those personal times with God are great and should be strong, but it needs the balance of friendships.

All and all, I need to learn how to be a friend. I obviously don't get it. I don't know how to be a friend to people. I can be friendly, and kind of deep with others, but not in the way God has called me to be. I need to be a best friend, and I also need to find one.

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Where life takes us...

I have come into the understanding that life will not happen the way you want it to. Nor will happen the way you think it should. I recently got dumped, and by recently I mean last night. Yep, I got dumped and it doesn't leave me mad or upset. It just leaves me confused. I didn't have any delusions of getting married or anything like that, so it wasn't like I was in love. It just took me by surprise. I still don't get it. We were fine until she came out here, or at least I thought so. She didn't feel it anymore. She just doesn't think of me as a boyfriend. Which is alright, I just would have liked to know before she came out. I can't help but feel like i was taken advantage of. I know that wasn't her intention, but I can't help but feel that way...

This leaves me thinking about life. Not in the "how do I go on" way, just in the "what did I do wrong" way. I can't help but think there was one act alone that separated us. Can't figure out what that is, but I can't help but feel that way. So my question to you is, what is it that makes people feel for each other? Where does this so called chemistry come from?

I know that love is a choice, and I'm not claiming to be in love at all. But what is it that makes us "fall" for one another? How do we keep that? I can't think of any good answer. I just think that it happens because it happens and nothing more. When will it be easier? Does it get easier? Do I want it to be easier? Is it good that it bothers me? These are all the things that keep my mind rolling?

So to her I have to say, that there are no hard feelings at all. I'm not mad or upset really. I'm just trying to figure out how it died out without us even having issues. So what do I do now? I don't know, but I won't make promises like the last time things died between me and a girl. I said I wasn't going to get into a relationship right away. 3 weeks later, there i was. So I won't make that promise. Cause frankly, I like women. They seem to like me for about a month or two. I need to capitalize while I can I guess.

So here is what I am going to do. Nothing. That's right, I'm not going to try to change. I change all the time after a relationship, but not anymore. I like me. I'm hot, smart, and talented. Ok, that may be a little too much self confidence. I guess what I am trying to process is that I don't think I need to change what I am doing. I did everything right. I put her before myself, I infused Christ into the relationship. She didn't want me. That's alright. It really is her loss. I will miss her because she is fantastic. But she is obviously fantastic for some one else. I just want to know who I am fantastic for.

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